“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside