Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
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[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm