Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out