Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
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My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”