Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here


[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*

What the!? A cheesy board!?



“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.


Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.


Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too


I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.


I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.


The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.


I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.