Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
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When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
me before I type out affect or effect
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time