Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.