Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
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Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I have a type: disappointing
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.