Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
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The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
me when i see my girls butt
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.