[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
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*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Self-cleaning conscience
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean