@robyn_vo

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

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@Lord_Voldemort7

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

@Jandalize

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

@BucMarvin

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

@WhatevaConc

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

@AbrasiveGhost

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

@OhNoSheTwitnt

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

@Caissie

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

@noog

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

@hbreaker9999

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.