Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
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Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
“Why u bean like this?”
“Don’t u carrot all?”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I have so many questions.