dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
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It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Not all heroes wear capes…
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.