DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
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Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Quadruple digit IQ
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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*scroll*
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.