dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
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In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Flock of bats
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”