Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
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Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
WTF
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come