Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
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me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]