Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
You Might Also Like
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*