“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
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I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
So creative 😂
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?