@tuckerflodman

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

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@daemonic3

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

@Lottie_Poppie

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

@WarrenHolstein

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

@TheRolo

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

@meatlobes

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

@hamspamtymaam

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

@DrunksWithGuns

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.