DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
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asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
😂😂
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.