“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
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Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
12653.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
The Onion called it…again.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.