dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
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Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Dolls on drugs
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LOL!
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Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me