Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
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Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.