dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
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DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
applying for a new job
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.