Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.