DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
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Pee pressure > peer pressure
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up