DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
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I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.