DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
black phone good
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?