Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
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According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
*jingles half the way*
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.