Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
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JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.