Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
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Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
i actually laughed 😩
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.