Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
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I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.