dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
when u come home smelling like another dog
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”