Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.


FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot


Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?


My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids


I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”


2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt


If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing


*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*