Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–


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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.


My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.


Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’


I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”


5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath


If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.


My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story


I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire