@buck4itt Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
@BlindChow Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
You Might Also Like
@buck4itt 
@peachesanscream Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
@BYGH My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
@DurtMcHurtt *running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
@JustBeingEmma Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
@dshack8 I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
@KyleMcDowell86 5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
@OpenClassMX If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
@OyVeyLady My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
@BrettDruck I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire