Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
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I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.