Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
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“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?