Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
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[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.