Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
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Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Autocarrot sucks!
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?