@Robski_Boy Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
@simoncholland Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
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@Robski_Boy 
@TheHatStore [Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
@feverschlong Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
@Gupton68 I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
@GinAndJif My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
@causticbob The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
@Reverend_Scott [5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
@simoncholland [Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
@_The_Man__ wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
@GreenishDuck Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.