Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
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Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Scream sneezers need love too.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.