Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
You Might Also Like
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.