DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
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me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me