Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
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Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.