DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
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Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
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[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
TRAIN’S HERE
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?