“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
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babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!