“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
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I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
thanksgiving in nutshell
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?