Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

#Caturday

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral