“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
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[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
*sewing*
A thread
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”