dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
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When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy