“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
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I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.