“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

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I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.


5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.


*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*


*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest


Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.


GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills


The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”


I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.


I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.


My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.