dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
#SuperBowl
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?