DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
You Might Also Like
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?