“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
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I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.