dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
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I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?